Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
