Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
