just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
