she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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