dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
