Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
