The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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