I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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