Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
