If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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