My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
