did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
