The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
