just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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