Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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