I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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