Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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