final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
