how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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