Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
