what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
