New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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