i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
