Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
