I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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