ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize