Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
