My balls are so social today.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I forget how to act sober
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
