i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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