No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
