just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
