I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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