she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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