the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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