i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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