I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
