Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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