I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
