): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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