Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I need moral support for this bender
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize