Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
