If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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