You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
