I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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