I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
