I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Randomize
