It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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