Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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