listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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