Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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