I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
