Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
