I think I won the penis lottery.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
