Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
