The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
