No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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