the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
