Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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