its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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