i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
